jennaopinionsAfter its recent endorsement of Concordia’s divest movement, Dining Services has launched a parallel campaign to focus on a campus digest movement.

To divest is to have universities reallocate their funds away from companies involved in extracting fossil fuels and into more sustainable investments. To digest is to cause the chemical and physical breakdown of food particles in the body.

As Concordia students work toward having the college fund itself in a responsible way, Dining Services employees realized the movement could not happen without the process of digestion.

Brie, the cashier whose last name nobody seems to know, said this was an important realization for the department.

“We decided to launch our own campaign in tandem with divestment,” Brie said. “Both are about using and producing clean energy. You can’t divest if you can’t digest.”

All of the foods featured in DS this month are easily swallowed, transported and broken down inside the body, says James Rice, associate director of Dining Services. The foods will also be dyed green to represent the sustainability focus of the divest campaign, as well as the campaign’s goal of the reallocation of money, money, money.

Each of the meal stations will feature fossil fuel-themed foods. While the menu has not yet been finalized, the tentative menu includes a number of tasty green-colored options.

Dinosaur-shaped chicken nuggets in Comfort will represent the creatures whose death and destruction millions of years ago now give us the ability to become irresponsibly engaged in the world as we burn their former bodies for energy.

DS will also test out a new dish for its menu: ignorance ice cream, featured at Bliss. This dessert features chunks of fudge symbolizing tons of coal mined from the earth. Marshmallows represent the white populations who most benefit from this, while peanuts represent the marginalization of communities of color. Half-rotted pistachios, now half green, half brown in color, symbolize both the rotting influence of money as well as the destruction of the earth.

Brie has been in favor of this flavor for several years now.

“The ignorance-flavored ice cream goes down smooth every time,” Brie said.

Fuel will no longer feature any sodas or juices this month, but will instead provide nothing but crude oil on tap.

Rice says that while these beverages may not seem like the best substances to consume, sometimes the best ideas take time to digest.

“We figured we would serve oil because it is cheap and affordable,”

Rice said. “The oil is also hard for the body to break down, so it will be more filling for students.”

Dirty, unfiltered water will also be available upon request.

“The dirty water and crude oil fit our digest movement, because they’ll probably go right through you,” Rice said. “If not, though, sometimes things need to come back up the same way they went down. Puking can be a normal part of digestion.”

DS will also abolish all plates used for carrying foods, and will instead hand out free fossils. Sue says this does nothing to cut down on unclean energy, but at least students can enjoy eating their fish sandwiches off of an ancient fish.

“I’m most excited for this part of our divest/digest movement,” Brie said. “Everyone should appreciate the value of petrified wood. It’s a constant reminder that we need more renewable energy, or we will miss out on this. It’s also a good

reminder that nature has lots of fiber to offer.”

The free fossil movement will last until the world runs out of fossil fuels, or the college decides to divest — whichever comes first.

 

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