President Donald Trump’s recent attempts to blackout and defund major parts of the Environmental Protection Agency have not proven significant enough, said Press Secretary Sean Spicer. The White House will therefore take a more drastic approach to maintain control by eliminating the sun and blacking out the entire world.
The sun, which has provided life and awful tans (read: Trump) to humans for hundreds of thousands of years has recently become more of a burden to society, according to Spicer.
“Sometimes you wake up and it’s there, other times it’s gone,” Spicer said. “It’s unreliable.”
Trump has been critical of the sun since the beginning of his campaign. “Imagine if Americans had created the sun,” Trump said. “That thing would work perfectly. Instead, it’s faulty, because it was made on foreign soil. From now on, we will only accept suns made right here in America.”
The new strategy for irking the EPA is based on pure logic, said Trump. Removing the giant ball of flames in the sky has been one of the easiest decisions he has made since taking office.
“The sun could be the cause of all these changes in temperature and stuff,” Trump said. “Luckily, global warming is a hoax — I know this for a fact — and the EPA is a waste of money, so l’ll do the dirty work and destroy the sun for all these brainwashed scientists. I just saved them a lot of work, so much work, and I’m saving the national budget a yuge amount of money. I’m telling you, those Chinese made that sun burn out every night. Terrible!!”
Trump said that the military would be in charge of fulfilling the task. James “Mad Dog” Mattis, head of the Department of Defense, looks forward to the mission.
“We plan on assembling a big ol’ army and pointing our weapons at the sun,” said. “We are also opening it up to any American citizen, so any bloke with a gun can show up and join in the fun. Then, when everyone’s there, I give the command, and we shoot at the sun until it blows up.”
Incorporating these Second Amendment rights makes the plan even better, Mattis said, because now everyone can feel patriotic fighting for a cause they believe in, like destroying their primary source of life.
While the government has tried to notify the President in various ways, such as through his daily intelligence briefings, of the dangers and destruction this would cause, Trump has pushed away anyone arguing with him.
“We have giant lamps and stuff, made right here in the USA, that will continue to provide light,” Trump said. “Americans will get first dibs on these lamps. I don’t need foreigners or scientists pretending this would be the end of the world — it wouldn’t be — just the end of the EPA.”
The EPA, which has already faced a social media blackout under Trump, was unavailable for comment, although our reporters did receive a mysterious package in the mail a few days later: a bottle of SunnyD orange juice with a note taped to it, saying, “Help us.”
Trump said he plans to wait until after the completion of the wall bordering Mexico to begin, because it is a lot faster to lay bricks in daylight. After that, efforts to destroy the sun and all of life on Earth will begin.
“There are only a few things I’ll miss about the sun,” Trump said. “Sales of sunscreen in America will drop, and that could really hurt our economy. But I know we can only go up after that last president. Make America Great Again, Make Earth Great Again!”