SATIRE FROM THE SCARBROUGH REPORT

It’s not true what they say. Despite the rumors, President Donald Trump is actually pretty decent at sports, even with his tiny hands. But with his frequent trips to Maralago, Fla., Trump really doesn’t have time for playing basketball, or for creating logical security policies. That’s why, starting Tuesday, Trump will rely on a March Madness-style bracket to slowly eliminate each group he is expected to treat fairly.

While the first round is said to be filled with a number of demographic groups, including Syrians, Muslims, Jews, women, and the poor, the middle rounds have not yet been completed.

Because only one group is projected to win the so-called “tournament,” the White House says the other categories of people can expect to see further marginalization as Trump eliminates each group based on trivial things, such as the group that “owns the most taco trucks” or “is most often stopped by airport security.”

Trump says he hopes this method of national security will last throughout all of March, gaining momentum and excitement for the final four groups.

“I’ll probably get rid of a group every few days or so to go with the real basketball games,” Trump said. “Then, each new loser can expect to see more of a travel ban, or maybe I’ll tweet about how much I hate them. It depends on how I’m feeling. I feel strong always — I’m the strongest there ever was — but sometimes I feel tired. This president thing is hard work, so I can’t do it all right away. I might have to punish people after I unwind with SNL or something. You can expect a lot from me. You can expect power. But I follow a tight schedule that’s based closely on what’s on TV.”

In a recent development, however, WikiLeaks released a draft of Trump’s bracket, which revealed a complete list of the 64 starting groups Trump plans on oppressing further. In addition to these first-round groups, a closer examination of Trump’s March Madness bracket shows the singular winner of the tournament scrawled in capital letters in the center of the paper: WHITE DUDES.

While it is still unclear whether Russia has influenced the outcome of the tournament, the White House has been quick to emphasize the blank brackets for the incomplete rounds. Chief Strategist Steve Bannon says it is important to remember how flexible the Trump administration can be.

“Sure, we have a winner picked out, but let’s not forget we can still choose how long we will wait before further ruining the lives of certain marginalized groups,” Bannon said. “Maybe they’ll make it another round and we will wait another week before instituting a travel ban or shutting down a Supreme Court case. We can’t send every refugee back to their dangerous homelands right away, so maybe some of them will get to spend a few days in uncertainty about their future before we further destroy their hopes and dreams. Who knows? The possibilities with this are endless.”

Trump and his administration have not denied the allegations of preemptively choosing a winner to favor. In fact, in a statement to the press this morning, the President addressed some of the concerns from around the country.

“There can only be one winner, and that’s America,” Trump said. “Some of you might say it’s rigged, that the bracket is rigged, because I already know the winner. Well, the election was rigged too, and I didn’t hear you complaining about that. You are all sick (or bad!).”

While some activist groups are already planning rallies and boycotts around each Hunger Gamesesque selection of the next group sentenced to further oppression, not all Americans see Trump’s method as unethical. Viewing parties around the country have brought Trump supporters everywhere together to local bars to watch the latest C-Span broadcast. Some fans have even created their own brackets, which economists say could be a problem later when each and every person somehow wins with WHITE DUDES like Trump.

The strategy seems to be a slam dunk for white Americans everywhere, but the odds of anyone else rebounding from Trump’s March Madness security tactics are slim. Still, it’s not over ‘til it’s over. May the best white upper-class Protestant Anglo-Saxon American man win.

 

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