SATIRE FROM THE SCARBROUGH REPORT

In his speech addressing members of Congress last week, President Donald Trump laid out his plans for dealing with immigration. In addition to the infamous wall, which has been temporarily delayed, Trump plans to send all undocumented workers “back” to Mexico to fulfill their true purpose: digging holes.

Trump said he came up with the idea while White House chief strategist Stephen Bannon read him the first few chapters of Louis Sacher’s young adult novel, “Holes,” as a bedtime story to alleviate some of the stress of being “targeted by fake news outlets about the bloody tax returns, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD. Poor Taste,” Trump tweeted.

But we digress.

Trump admitted to Congress on Sunday that he and his team found this plan to be “perfect, flawless, possibly the best thing to happen to America.” The plan, like in the book or the Disney movie featuring Shia LaBeouf before his downward spiral into actual cannibalism, is to gather a bunch of miscreants— in this case, undocumented workers—and bus them several miles south so that they can work over the border instead. Each worker will be assigned one shovel, which they are to use to dig a hole five feet wide and five feet deep for no particular reason. The expectation is that they will remain in their orange uniforms so they will be easily identified as participants in a broken system that they can never escape.

Unlike their experiences working illegally in the United States, however, the immigrants will receive much better compensation in Mexico. Occasionally, they will even receive a water break.

Trump says he hopes to one day send a camera crew to the border to document some of the workers’ experiences wasting their time by moving soil. He hopes to call the documentary “Loopholes,” after all the efforts American business owners had to jump to pay their undocumented workers so little.

“I have big dreams for this film—yuuuge dreams,” Trump said. “It’s going to be a hit, even better than ‘Holes.’ Only this time I’m going to make sure I don’t cast Shia LaBeouf as the main role. Maybe I could find a different former Disney star to exploit in my documentary about exploitation.”

Not everyone is as excited as Trump for the new immigration strategy. Many environmental groups have voiced their concern, not just for the workers, but for the land.

Sierra Club president Aaron Mair said that the idea of several million people digging holes in the same place in the Earth is problematic to the core values of preserving the land and natural resources.

“Think about how many ants and worms we are displacing when we dig up the soil,” Mair said. “Each time we shovel, that’s another home we are destroying.”

Mair said he had his own idea for countering the displacement of worms and insects.

“The only solution is to find all the living things within the dirt and ship them over the border where they’ll be safe,” Mair said. “That way, they become someone else’s problem. We can continue to destroy the world they live in for our own benefit. Out of sight, out of mind.”

These living creatures, like the undocumented workers crossing into Mexico for forced labor, would have to endure involuntary digging as they burrow their way back into the ground.

Mair says this idea is a win-win for everyone.

“We can even sew the insects small orange jumpsuits for them to wear while they work,” Mair said.

Trump says he plans to watch “Holes” a few more times so he really understands how to deal with nice, decent, hard-working people — perhaps some of the first he will ever meet.

 

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