SATIRE FROM THE SCARBROUGH REPORT

Donald Trump may be president, but that doesn’t mean other members of the White House cabinet are not actually conspiracies invented by the Chinese. In a document sent to WikiLeaks yet to be confirmed by this newspaper, an anonymous source revealed the truth about Sean Spicer. Just when we thought we had him figured out as the Press Secretary of the United States, we learned his true identity: a pepper shaker.

Yes, that’s right. Sean Spicer is really just a container of spices, as his surname implies. The document, released Wednesday, implied that a Chinese manufacturing company has been developing high-quality salt and pepper shakers to be sold internationally. It is still unclear how the White House has been giving press conferences and representing Trump through a spice shaker, but some experts believe the thing can shapeshift into human form, or it can project the image of a man’s body behind a podium. However it has been done, the Chinese are currently the leading experts in tricking governments to believe in hoaxes in order for them to profit. In fact, these things are so beautifully constructed that White House staffers immediately requested one for the Commander-in-Chief.

For an unsuspecting president who spends most of his time on Twitter, a sleek, two-inch stainless steel pepper grinder or nutmeg press is ideal — much better than the plastic ones imported from Mexico or wherever. Trump, until the official announcement by Fox News about Spicer’s true identity, was unaware that his Press Secretary was actually an object he’d been using every day to add flavor to his all-American beef hot dogs.

The head of the manufacturing company, whose business has not yet been identified by the media, released a brief statement about the situation.

“We don’t like to think of Mr. Spicer as an imposter,” the source said. “Rather, alternative facts point to his real identity. We had intentions of spicing up the White House with this thing. It’s all about what we mint and not what Spicer has said.”

In fact, the “Sean Spicer” is the biggest business venture since the invention of the wheel. Now that word has gotten out about a spice distributor running a position in the White House, consumers everywhere have purchased every single one they can get their hands on. Containers are flying off the shelves, as are the spices themselves—ginger, cinnamon, and so many more— in hopes that humans enjoying garnished dishes can also make their salt-or-whatever shakers lie to the media about the state of the country.

As far as Mr. “Sean” Spicer himself — itself — Trump says he plans on keeping the thing in office.

“He definitely adds something to the administration, so much, you know? He’s just so useful,” Trump said, dumping garlic powder onto his baked potato.

Unfortunately, the Spicer was unavailable for comment, as it really is just an inanimate object. The media is still trying to understand how a spice container or grinder or whatever it is could have been nominated for such a role as Press Secretary and make occasional public appearances to represent Trump. Then again, stranger things have happened.

Ongoing investigations into the information released by Spicer point back to statements actually made by the Chinese company that originally manufactured the thing. This same company is expected to later take responsibility for creating climate change in order to boost their nation’s economy.

The incident, which has quickly adopted the name Spicergate, is inspiring thousands of people across the country to encourage their own spices to run for office. Whether it is for President in 2020 or for mayor, political scientists predict tarragon and thyme could overthrow incumbent politicians running for the same positions.

There is no news yet as to whether Vice President Mike Pence is actually a form of British currency, although a report uncovering the truth is expected to be released later this week.

As strange as it all is, at least this story isn’t #FakeNews … or maybe it is. During this presidency, nobody really understands anything anymore.

 

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