Guess what? That’s right, the Vikings lost again. As is normal, I will attempt to rate where Minnesota fans should be at panic-wise after a 14-7 loss to the Lions.

There’s one extra caveat this week: I didn’t technically watch the game. So here I go.

Some of you might be questioning how I could possibly give a reasoned response to a game I didn’t see a single play of, and to that I assure that I will be neither reasonable nor responsible.

After an extremely thorough look at the box score and the highlights on YouTube, I can see that Detroit opened the scoring with a second-quarter field goal — the most exciting play in American football. I’m ashamed I missed this one, because only a true fan like me knows how exhilarating a 29-yard kick can be. PANIC! METER: OH MY GOD, THE VIKINGS ARE TERRIBLE AND CAN’T EVEN SCORE A SINGLE POINT. AT THIS RATE WE’RE MORE LIKELY TO BE IN THE FAMOUS IDAHO POTATO BOWL THAN THE SUPER BOWL. 6/10.

What? The Vikings can score? Someone should probably tell Case Keenum. Or don’t. Fun Fact (that I completely made up just now and yet still holds logically true): the probability of a Minnesota win goes up exponentially each time Keenum doesn’t throw the ball. Oh look, Dalvin Cook just scored. Boom, Vikings lead 7-3. PANIC! METER: WE’RE GONNA WIN THE LEAGUE!!! ADRIAN PETERSON WHO DAT?? DALVIN COOK FOR MVP! HALFTIME LEADS NEVER FAIL. 2/10

Aaaand we’re back. Wow, another field goal. Matt Prater may be the best kicker in the league — or not, I don’t know. Wait, this score also came from a turnover? No big deal, we’re still winning. 7-6 Vikings. PANIC! METER: YOU HAVE TO ADMIRE THE BEAUTY OF FOOTBALL’S MOST DIFFICULT PLAYS: THE 37-YARD FIELD GOAL. 4/10.

Uh oh. Down goes Dalvin Cook. Apparently the defense was too busy checking to see if Cook could get off the field to actually defend — and Detroit scores. There goes the lead. 14-7 Lions. PANIC! METER: WE DON’T EVEN NEED DALVIN COOK. REMEMBER THAT TIME HE WAS ACCUSED OF HITTING A WOMAN OUTSIDE A BAR, MISTREATING PUPPIES, AND BRANDISHING A GUN TOWARDS HIS NEIGHBOR ALL IN THE SPAN OF A YEAR? YES, THAT REALLY HAPPENED. BESIDES, YOU DON’T REALLY NEED AN ACL AT ALL — RIGHT, BRADY? WHAT’S THAT? THE NEXT BEST BACK HAS ONLY 39 YARDS ALL SEASON? UH OH. 9/10.

Oh great, the game’s over. That was pitiful. 14-7 Lions. PANIC! METER: YIKES! ISN’T THE QUARTERBACK SUPPOSED TO BE GOOD AT THROWING THE BALL? THERE’S ALWAYS NEXT YEAR. I WONDER WHAT I’M GOING TO HAVE FOR DINNER? 14/10.

The Vikings might be the worst team in the division. That was a joke, like the Bears. The Vikings might be the second worst team in the division, and the immediate future doesn’t look great. Dalvin Cook is most likely out for the season with an ACL tear, and Sam Bradford is not exactly looking set for a quick return. The only positive thing going for Minnesota at this moment is that it plays Chicago — probably the worst team in the NFC — next week.

The lone bright spot of the afternoon for the Vikings was the defense, which, I’m told, sacked Matthew Stafford six times. Good job. If only it had any offensive support.

The Purple and Gold are at a typically Minnesotan place right now: too good to tank and not good enough to compete. This could change if Bradford comes back and Cook gets some kind of horse pill that immediately heals his ligaments, but I don’t think it’s likely.

I am a pessimist when it comes to any team that plays its home games in Minnesota, so I may not be completely fair in my judgement, but this Vikings team is not going to make the playoffs. Hopefully this changes, but I just can’t see Minnesota getting any sort of significant winning streak started if the inconsistency they’ve shown over the past month continues and their stars don’t come back from injury.

I am completely confident in my analysis of the three-minute highlight tape I watched online, and you should be too, because I know american football from my one whole year of organized play back in middle school — backup long snapper, in case you were wondering.

PANIC! METER: 0/10. MINNESOTA’S THE STATE OF HOCKEY NOT THE STATE OF FOOTBALL. WILD SEASON STARTS TONIGHT.