For some reason, Olympic prop bets have not caught on. We get hundreds for the Super Bowl, but we do not even get to bet on what color board Chloe Kim is going to use. This is a disgrace, and I am here to fix it.
I have compiled a list of Olympic prop bets that should exist. It is probably a good thing they do not, because I would have no money, but I am going to leave this here anyway. I am about 85 percent sure that this constitutes a copyright claim, so if you try to steal these ideas, I will be coming at you with the same legal team from the McDonald’s settlement with the the coffee-burn lady.
- Nation with most snowboarding medalists under the age of 20.
I know what you are thinking. Obviously it is going to be the U.S., right? You are probably correct, but I am all about cheering for the little guy. How great would it be to see a bunch of respectful Finns running around the Olympic snowboard park doing flips and stomping tricks all over the spoiled Americans? I would love to see this, and the odds would be awesome. So, I pick Finland.
- How many times will women’s hockey announcers mention an athlete’s significant other during a game? (Over/Under 20)
I have come to realize that it is actually impossible for these hockey announcers to not mention the fact that so-and-so’s boyfriend happens to play for the Hamilton Whats-its in the ECHL, so you might as well make a game out of it. I get that they need to mention it once or twice, but you do not need to bring it up every time the camera pans to them after an offside call.
- How many minutes before the average TV viewer turns off ice dancing? (Over/Under 10 minutes)
Do not get me wrong, I have no delusions that I could ever do this in my life — ever. That being said, I just have no clue how the scoring system works. When it comes to sports, I basically devolve to my lizard brain. Person put ball in goal, person score, person win. Ice dancing requires you to get in the minds of people who are somehow differentiating these routines and also remembering them enough to compare them to one another. How do they do this? This would be the easiest sport to fix. You could run a point-shaving ring without anyone noticing. Just saying.
- How many times will Pierre McGuire use the word “barn?” (Over/Under 10)
Pierre is like a hockey Wikipedia— that is, if you pressed the speaker button and your computer played the entire article in that weird robot Siri voice. It is not so much that it is annoying: it just gets old quickly. I do not need to know what the name of Hobart College’s arena is. I do know, though—it is called The Cooler—thanks to Pierre. I am not sure what the age requirement is for a rink to be called a barn, but I think a barn needs to have a wooden roof. Yale has a great barn, and do not think Pierre will let you forget it.
- Number of curlers caught doping. (Over/Under 2)
Too soon? You do not need to take PEDs to be a good curler. Just ask the U.S. mixed doubles guy rocking the AI sleeve and flat-bill snapback. He knows what is up. Curling is like bowling, in the sense that there is a direct correlation between how cool you look and how well you perform. Everyone knows that the U.S. are the cool kids of curling, so take all the drugs you want — you cannot compete with the Americans. I cannot wait for the Beijing games when every American will be wearing chaps and a pair of gold aviators inside the curling arena.
- Number of MIAC alumni in the Olympics. (Over/Under 1)
I have no clue what the actual number for this year is, but I know there is at least one athlete with MIAC connections at the tournament. Marissa Brandt is a Gustavus graduate playing for South Korea in the women’s hockey tournament. Coincidentally, her sister, Hannah, is playing for the U.S. Small world. Anyways, MIAC, yeah. Maybe if there was a tournament for business majors or vocal music education majors we might have a few more representatives.