Look at you! You’ve had a terrific All Hallow’s Eve! You danced your heart out, or at least until you got too sweaty; you didn’t eat any candy, but you ate your roommate’s leftover mac and cheese and you barely got tricked except for that Chinese finger trap which took like three hours to get out of and it was really uncool of your uncle to send you that with no instructions. What, does he think you’re a scientist or something? How were you supposed to know how to get out of that thing? Other than that,

Only one question remains. What are you going to do with your costume? Throw it away? Throw it in the closet and let it gather dust until you find it six months later when you finally move out of your dorm and then throw it away? It’s in your closet right now, isn’t it? Or even more boring, are you going to recycle it? Oh, no. I will not have that. Sustainability is for people who walk around with MPR travel mugs and talk about cool bands they like from “St. Paul.” Gross. No. We can think of something better to do than that.

Okay, so what’d you dress up as again? Corn? Great. No, I like it. Really original. Topical. So what can you do with a corn costume? More like what can’t you do with a corn costume, am I right? No, it’s a corn costume, you can’t do a whole lot with it. But there is one thing you can do. You can put it on. And search in yourself. The answer is there. It always has been. It’s what the world needs now more than ever and only you can provide.

Become a vigilante corn-warrior that dishes out popped justice by the handful. Sure, that’s a tagline to a straight-to-DVD movie from 2004 starring Frankie Muniz, but you wanted to put that costume to good use? Become the “Kernel of Truth.” Stalk around campus looking for troublemakers and ne’er-do-wells that you can bring to justice. Or just walk normally, that’s fine too. Stalk was more of a pun on cornstalk, actually, yeah, the more I think about it, don’t stalk around campus, especially in a costume. That’s just creepy. Walk. You know what, don’t even do that, actually. Just sit and wait. Let the crime come to you. And where does crime happen most often on campus? Anderson Commons.

Wait there, right in front of the drink station. Sure people will come up to you and try to distract you by saying things like: ‘What are you wearing?’ and ‘Halloween was last week, idiot!’ and ‘I’m actually worried about you, seriously, no, look at me. You seem like you’ve had a mental break. Why are you dressed like that? Why do you only refer to yourself in the third person as “Kernel Of Truth”? Please just answer me.’ But you have to ignore them. They’re just distractions from what you’re meant to do, and that’s catching criminals. And who knows? That last one seemed awfully concerned with you looking away from your duty, maybe they’re working for the criminals. Boy, oh boy, this whole thing is a giant cornspiracy. But you don’t have time for that right now, because you’ve got a perp in your crosshairs.

Walk right up to him as he’s filling his thermos with coffee. Stare at him to let him know you’re the cold hand of the law coming to strike him down. Nope, you’re doing it wrong, now he’s weirded out. Put a hand on his shoulder. “You know, you can’t bring food outside of Dining Services.”

He shoots back with “Yeah, I know. I just use this as a cup instead of grabbing one. More sustainable, I figure one less dirty dish to wash, huh? Hey why are you dressed as a corn cob?”

Laugh at his obviously fabricated story. “You know, criminals like you always make me laugh. Got an answer for everything, huh?” Look at his stupid face try to unpack that.

Then he says “Ok, well nice to meet you! I’m going to go back to my table.” and then he just leaves. It’s a good thing you’re in a good mood. Otherwise, you would have popped his ass. Wait, no that pun doesn’t work, it would be your ass that would pop. It’s fine, you’ll figure that out later. You can figure anything out, because you’re one bad mother shucker.