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Bobby’s sports banter

Nine hundred ninety-eight… nine hundred ninety-nine… one thousand! One thousand sit-ups!

That’s the sound of a healthy Cobber, a ripped Cobber.

Hey, no need to be jealous. Now that Old Man Winter has settled in, and activity is at an all-year low, everyone is feeling a little pudgy ‘round the edges. Not all people are born an athlete, with an athlete’s physique.

And sometimes winter sports aren’t an option for the young Cobber. Where do they turn, then?

They could pump iron, say their prayers, eat their veggies, take their vitamins or cut down the time spent watching The Golden Girls to just an hour per day, sure.

Or, they can stick to “The Plan”—no, not just a plan, but “The Plan.” It’s the five-step, Cobber friendly plan that gives you an athlete’s physique in half the effort.

This is the plan for the people who watch sports but don’t play them. This is the plan for people who want to pseudo-hibernate like any other self-respecting mammal (but still want to remain fit). This plan is for the Cobber by the Cobber.

So here is “The Plan”:

Step 1: Go ahead; watch all the Golden Girls your heart desires. Just don’t let the muscles start to droop like Betty White’s… Actually, never mind that. Just remember to move during those commercials—pretend to be a Concordia athlete: imagine shooting the game-winning three, running in a last-gasp touchdown, scoring a hat-trick for the soccer team. If it helps, imagine Betty White is there, too.

Step 2: Eat something green with every meal—it offsets whatever fatty, greasy, unhealthy food you might eat. (Green-colored candies don’t count.) That might be in the Cobber Football Handbook.

Step 3: Use the buttons on the TV, rather than the remote, to change the channel and volume. (And then refer back to Step 1.)

Step 4: Think about watching Hulk Hogan videos. Seriously. Nothing inspires healthy habits like a watching a septuagenarian ripping his shirt off, running around in tights. Believe, and you can have 20-inch pythons, too, brother!

Come to think of it, that’s creepy. Scratch Step four.

Step 5: Get into the workout facilities located on campus. And maybe in no time you’ll have an athlete’s physique, too. That leads us to a final, optional step: get out there and join an intramural sport—or maybe just make one. Pickleball? Mixed Martial Arts? Extreme Chess? The possibilities are more plentiful for an aspiring athlete than one might think.

Just don’t forget “The Plan.”

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