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No love lost

Hey kids. I would just like to go hand-in-hand with this week’s theme of forced niceness, and say that no, there are things in the world you can openly hate.

I understand that in Minnesota, we like to be nice to everyone and then talk about them later and just be overly pleasant all the time. Honestly, there are a lot of things you can just be bitter about and walk away from.

For example? Sports. I don’t mean all sports, and if you are just having a bad day, then by all means, keep it up and quit whining—people need to get out and exercise.

But hey, I am not a great bowler and so yes I have decided that among other things, bowling, tap-dancing, and being a professional speed skater are just not in the cards.

However, if grilling, coffee-chugging, or retail therapy become sports, America has a gold winner on their hands.

I do not feel obligated to look back on my high school gym days with fondness as I recall the rules I had to take tests on and the sportsmanship I was forced to convey. I didn’t care. If anything, I just really wanted to win. So what if I pantsed Jenny Brenny in two-hand-touch football to win? We won, I’m done, and now I never have to play again.

Also, I do not understand why some people end up working for the same freaking company for as long as they do.

Let us just talk. I worked at a major retailer this summer and I cannot understand how some people have been working for them for over twenty years. Let me tell you that place was where souls go to die. Oh you like art? Come to work where anything creative inside of you shrivels up into a raisin. Oh you like music? Let the store play an infinite loop of crappy reggae and Colbie Caillat to make you only ever want to sing like a lazy kid in a coffee shop. I thought I was going to die this summer. You guys, never work at a retailer ever. Unless you feel like developing some sort of hard habit that no one wants.

Beyond weird brand loyalty and sports I really do not feel like I have to pretend that I think all babies are great. Yes, babies exist, yeah some are kind of cute in that freaky “I need to grow” kind of way, but most of them are pumpkin-headed freaks. They cry on planes, can’t articulate “poop,” “food” or anything that might be a bit useful. And honestly the only reason they are kind of cute to me is the fact that I could put one in my purse.

Small things amuse me, and once they start talking I am done. Have you guys seen the GIFs that have baby heads on adults? Excuse me while I go soil myself on my kitchen floor because I’m terrified. Once they start looking like actual people I will pay attention and care, but until then keep that dwarf bean away from me. Unless I like you, then by all means let me influence your offspring.

My last thought for the evening is on people. My dears, there are a lot of people in this world whose main goal is to hurt you, or put a kibosh on your life. In my life I have let a lot of people hurt me simply because I was either too much of a pushover or had felt bad for them. By doing that, I let someone take advantage of me.

I guess being nice is good, but I would much rather spend time on people that deserve my time. I am 20 freaking years old, I do not think that I need to be loyal to people who will, in ten months or ten years, turn my life upside down.

All in all, I think that Minnesota nice is a fantastic thing, but kids, sometimes in life you have to dig out your Jersey Shore and punch a Snooki in the face.

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