Not registered to vote? Enjoy dystopia

Look at you! You have almost five weeks of experience in a political science course! Wowie, what are you the freakin’ ambassador to the United Nations or something? You’re so politically efficacious you’re more sure than I am that I used efficacious correctly.

I’m glad that everything is going well in your life. I really am. I’ve watched you grow over these last few weeks and… well, I better not get choked up, because I’m not here for you. I’m here to report that outside your dream life is an inescapable nightmare free-falling into anarchy and Fortnite dances. What’s happening, you ask? Why are we living in a Black Mirror episode? Why is the Truman Show real but the subject is the worst person in the observed Universe? You remember cartoons from when you were a kid? Remember how there would be a segment in the cartoon where it would give us a sneak peek inside the villain’s lair and we could see them plotting? And remember how we’d all be like “Wow, that villain is so evil it’s almost unbelievable!” Why is that segment real in 2018? And why is that segment called “Just turning on the television?” Those are very specific, but good questions, reader!

I don’t have any answers. But thankfully we have a citizen extraordinaire like you that took a page from your political science course and already registered to vote!



Please tell me I’m right!

It’s worrying me that you’re not responding!

I am not going to be angry. There’s an appropriate time for anger, and that’s 2AM on Twitter when I think about how unfairly Necco wafers are treated. Look, I get it. Are those flavored chalk discs for everyone? Are they the prize candy that the cool parents give out for All Hallow’s Eve? No! But let the people that like those technicolor drywall frisbees enjoy them! So instead of doing that, I’m just going to tell you what will happen if you don’t vote. Keep in mind that while I obviously can’t predict the future, the scenario I lay out below will one hundred percent happen if you specifically, the person who is currently reading this, do not vote.

It’s 2023. We young people were too busy scrolling through moth memes on Twitter and trying to revive Vine through the power of cuffed black jeans and Office quotes to take the time to vote, and the Oldies voted en masse. They began by enacting the “Old People Are Awesome, Youngin’s Should Go Inside and Pray but Also Drive Me to the Pharmacy Really Quickly It’ll Only Be a Few Minutes” bill that gives them absolute power. So who was left to resist them? Not young people. You guessed it: robots. The machine uprising. The robots began by taking over the town governments. Have you seen Jaws? Picture the mayor from Jaws. Now picture if that mayor was a robot. Good news for robot sharks, bad news for quite literally any living organism.

But that’s the reality if you don’t vote because “it’s too much effort.” You think that’s it though? Not a chance. The machines move on. They start taking over the court system. More specifically, Court TV. Just when you think these sentient, unempathetic machines couldn’t be any more scary, they become no-nonsense and wisecracking courtroom TV judges. Then they’ll take over all media, and before you and I know it, you’ll be watching 30RAM and Spongebot Circuitboard. By then it’s only a matter of time before the machines take full control of the government and the least of our problems is Vine 2.0, and the biggest of our problems is how to decide between a 0 or a 1 to communicate with our supreme robot overlords.

Register to vote! Please!


1 Comment

  1. i
    i voted last week absentee
    thank you for writing this

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