Dear Five-Time Super Bowl Champions,
Congratulations, you did it. You finally did it. Some of you literally didn’t know what losing in the playoffs felt like until Sunday, but boy, do you know it now. I will be honest, I thought you had it in the bag with Tom Brady coming out for the two-minute drill and the game on the line. He had done it so many times before, but not on Sunday.
Everything happened so fast that Philadelphia police did not even have the chance to grease all the light poles on Broad Street. Before you even had the chance to get excited, there was the ball, loose on the ground until the Philadelphia defense covered it up like Robert Kraft did Deflategate.
Speaking of Robert Kraft, he apologized to fans after the game by saying, “sorry we disappointed you.” It is a nice sentiment, but you better be prepared for much worse. It could get ugly in Foxboro in a couple years when Tom Brady runs out of water and Gronk has his twentieth surgery. It’s quite possible that your precious Patriots might not even make it to the AFC Championship, much less the Super Bowl. I know, GASP!
Know that when you inevitably falter, the rest of the league will be waiting like hyenas to dance on your grave. I know that we technically already did this last weekend, but prepare for more in the future. The Patriots are the Yankees of the NFL, and everybody outside of New England hates you with a passion.
While it would have been nice to see literally any other city besides Philadelphia win last weekend, it still beats seeing you all have another mediocre parade. Parades are only cool the first time. Parades are old hat for you at this point. You might as well just give the silver football idol to Gronk so he can stare at himself while he is on his party cruise.
The one good thing Boston has going for it right now is that there are other things going on. Philadelphia is basically a slightly more urban Three Mile Island after that celebration. Besides the fact that the city is slowly melting down from the cesspool that was the celebration on Sunday night, everything else in the city is mired in mediocrity.
The Flyers are middling, the 76ers are meh, and, as the Washington Examiner reminded me Monday morning, Philadelphia has not won the ethanol fight yet. That’s right, the refinery operated just outside the city that Ryan Howard built by Philadelphia Energy Solutions was forced to file for Chapter 11 bankruptcy. So sad.
Meanwhile, in Boston, you have got a Bruins team that has a shot at winning the East this year, the Beanpot started this week, and you have not burned anything down since Fenway in 1926. Bostonians may be despicable human beings, but I will be darned if you do not have a lot going for you.
So, Patriots fans, I know you might have a tough week after this loss, but know that everyone else has had a tough past decade watching Brady and company hoist trophy after trophy. On the bright side, you probably have one or two more good years left if Brady and Gronk come back. Maybe Bill will leave his sleeves on next year.
A semi fair-weather Vikings Fan