Let me introduce myself. My name is Katelyn, and I wear glasses. I have had glasses since I was two. Yep, that’s 16 years. So you can understand when I say that the beautiful frames and lenses are a huge part of my life. You can see glasses on just about everyone – from Tina Fey, to me, to every hipster ever. Glasses are a quintessential part of our being. Some people need glasses for sight purposes, but they also add credibility. I mean, you probably wouldn’t even trust a doctor without glasses. And he must wear them while giving you a diagnosis. So for hipsters and doctors and everyone in between, glasses are a major aspect of everyday living.
One spectacular upside to glasses is that they allow people to see. (Duh.) It is close to magic. It’s something I have known since I was two, but I feel like others don’t know yet. I always get confused by those kids who complain in class about not being able to see the whiteboard from the back of the room, or not being able to read a book because the words are too small. I have had glasses a lot longer than most and can say with full confidence that they don’t hurt to wear. So you, yeah you. The one who is holding this paper either two feet or two inches from your face, you should probably get that checked out.
In addition to being able to see, people will also think you look intelligent. Let’s not beat around the cob here. Glasses make you look SMART no matter how much you kids call me four-eyes. I will be forced to use my massive vocabulary and assault you. And because glasses-wearers look smart, people trust us more. I suggest wearing glasses the next time you have to convince someone of something or give a speech. Everyone will believe you. I tell you this from experience.
And glasses make you pop-culturally acceptable. Tina Fey, Dwight Schrute, Ugly Betty, Arthur the Aardvark, Julia Roberts, Jennifer Garner, Daniel Radcliffe AND his alter-ego Harry Potter all wear glasses. These are people that our generation sees every day. If you can tell me you have never seen an episode of SNL, Alias, The Office, Arthur, or read a chapter of Harry Potter you are exempt from believing this reason. I feel it is this rationale that is influencing the increase in the number of people buying false frames. Hipsters and their fakies understand the power of glasses.
If you have a pension for the dramatic (a lá Horatio Cane), I do NOT know what better of a prop you could ask for than glasses. They offer options for such motions as chewing pensively, removing in exasperation, a slide up the nose, and even in extreme cases angrily or accidentally breaking frames. I used to use my glasses in my high school theatre days as improv props, easily accessible and always versatile.
So next time any nude eyeballists tries to make us glasses-wearers upset, just know that we look smarter than you. And we outnumber you. So watch your step. And if you stumble over that step because you didn’t see it, maybe you need a pair of frames yourself.
Katelyn Henagin graduated from Pierz-Healy High School in 2010, and grew up in both Pierz and Worthington, Minnesota. She is graduating in 2014 with a Philosophy Major and a minor in Psychology. If you feel like talking to Katelyn, striking up a conversation about Harry Potter is always a good choice.