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Bobby’s Sports Banter

With a surplus of freshman students on campus this year, sports have benefited with increased membership. Now the benches are completely full, instead of maybe half full or so. In turn, this leads to more opportunities for camaraderie, glory and other cliché things you could see in “Air Bud” movies. One might say that Concordia is experiencing a bit of a sports revival. But personally, I wasn’t content with just a revival. No, I wanted a revolution. You’re asking yourselves, with hands on your hips and smirks on your faces, “What’chu talkin’ ‘bout, Bobby?” Hold on to your seats, folks. I created a sport (name TBA). Whoa, huh?

I have little space to convey just how revolutionary and far-out (Are the freshmen still saying that these days?) this sport is. So let me dive right in.

There are two teams competing against each other. Following me so far? Each team has five players on the field, and however many less-than-talented players on the bench. Got that? Good, because this is where we shake it up.

On each team one player is designated “thinker.” The thinker of each team meets at midfield and gives the other a riddle to answer—this is what really makes the sport unique, a mixture of athleticism and intellect that most sports lack. Now, if only one answers the riddle correctly, then that thinker’s team will have first possession. However, if both or neither answer correctly, then there is what I like to call a “slugfest.” The two thinkers (who are wearing boxing gloves) will start swinging wildly at each other. The first one to knock their opponent down wins possession for their team. Some say this is barbaric. I say the kid should have avoided such a confrontation by being smarter. It’s like a life lesson wrapped in a nice sports package. At the start of each game and after each score, this will repeat.

Next comes the good part. The team with possession will then have five minutes to bury a rubber chicken in the opposing team’s end zone, or the chicken will be turned over. Easy, right? Wrong! While the four remaining players for the “offense” are attempting to bury said chicken, the four players from the “defense” will throw things from a small, regulation-sized pouch that I like to call a “bag o’ rocks.” The defense’s job is to temporarily immobilize the opposing team (or “knock them out”) and prevent them from burying the chicken. The first team to five points (or “burials”) will be declared the winner.

There are some kinks to work out, sure, but this could be the next big pseudo-ultimate-fighting-dodgeball-football-with-its-own-flavor sport. On a campus with an emerging Quidditch League, Ultimate Frisbee club and other nonsensical sports, mine stands a head above the rest. So, get up off that bench, freshmen! Find at least three other students, a faculty advisor and let’s get this show on the road. First stop, Concordia. Next, we’ll sweep the nation. With an incoming student population like this, forget a revival. It will be a revolution indeed.

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