Morning Mayhem

“Nothing good ever happens after 2:00 a.m.” is a phrase that Ted Mosby’s mother used to tell him often. Last year I probably would have disagreed wildly. This year however, not so much. Kids, nothing good happens after 2:00 a.m. Nothing.

Take the example, if you will, of your run-of-the-mill Wednesday evening: you decide to walk around and have a mild weather adventure at 2:30. You are done with homework and some adventure time seems like a normal reward.

Instead, you find yourself fending off a broken arm at that janked up playground two blocks away from campus. You can’t help but think that adventuring is good for you at that time of night, but it is not. My firsthand experience has done nothing but prove this. One time an evening adventure caused me to lose a flip-flop and get poked very hard with a stick. When I got back to my house I looked like a really weak extra from “Die Hard.”

On that note, have you guys ever noticed how in horror films the clock is always on 1:59 and flips to 2:00 when they make the switch from innocent campers to meddling kids? Then the murderer has no choice but to brutally dismember them. 2:00 a.m. in horror films means it is time to die, kiddos. No one will make it to 3:00 a.m.

No one ever jumps in with advice on leaving the mutant alone, to wallow in his mutant-ness. Instead they are like, “Hey, let us all go forth to the mutant and make him so angry he will dismember us and feed his dog.” I also firmly believe that the films with the haunted houses were houses that were bought after 2:00 a.m. Why else would it be haunted? Think about it.

If nothing else proves my point, try these two words: Taco Bell. Taco Bell or Pizza Patrol, or whomever will deliver sounds great after a night out with the friends. Instead, everyone is just deathly ill into the wee hours of the morn and well into the next day. First of all, I am also convinced that Taco Bell as a franchise was thought of after 2:00 a.m., and secondly, nothing good ever comes out of a T-Bell food coma. People are told “I love you,” while others are broken up with. It makes no sense. Do not even leave your room when it is after 2:00 a.m.

At 2:00 a.m., I see things I never want to see ever again, like people urinating outside, babies or zombies. Working the desk, I have seen so many horrible things from nudity, to a pizza falling from its very serious owner’s hands, sadly watching the floor-cheese side down the steps of Livedalen Hall. I understand 2:00 a.m. is a weird experience, but we all should just be in our cozy little Cobber beds. Consider this a public safety notice.

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