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The all-nighter

My cobber kids, I need to let you know something. No matter how wise I may seem, I am still an idiot. Many reasons contribute to this like that phase in high school when slapping someone hello was okay or when I thought a baby-doll tee was super cute on me. Today I will focus on the fact that even as a junior, in my infinite genius, all-nighters happen. I decided last night after work that I had stuff to get done, groceries to be bought and homework to do. The only logical answer to that instead of pre-planning is obviously staying up for over thirty hours and then having to work again tonight.

I am here to let you know that no, these are not smart and make me slur my words like I was doing a different type of BREWing. They make me significantly more aggressive than my gentle personality is ever thought to be.

That being said, I know there are many out there who will be pulling these beasts within the next couple weeks, and I have some tips and warnings for you.

At the beginning you need to prepare and stock up. This means food and many different types of drinks. Water is a necessity because if you are like me, you can slam a few Red Bulls in no time and feel awful within a few hours. When you have all of this prepared you will feel more committed like the tinfoil-hat-guys who never gave up their space dreams.

About seven hours in you feel giddy like an 8-year-old at a sleepover. If you were smart you had gathered a few friends for moral support, and at this point all of you are giggling to yourselves. You are thrilled that you will be able to spend all of this new time with your friends and wonder why you have never done it before.

At about hour 10, you start to realize how annoying your guy friend’s sniffle is and your roommate has this awkward habit of tapping her forefinger on the side of her laptop. The tap is just grating enough that you have fantasized leaping across the table and strangling her with her headphone cord. At this point you should start drinking an energy drink and try to focus on the hum that will soon start to build in your head.

When hour 15 rolls by, your friends have either bailed to their rooms or fallen asleep on the basement couches, which to be honest is better. You toss back your third energy drink and wrap the blanket you have tighter around your face to form a tunnel. The tunnel will hopefully force the information from that dry Religion 300 article into your brain better, like a semi-permeable membrane of knowledge. You have eaten all of the food yourself, and the grease stains on your sweatpants are starting to make shapes. At this point I suggest getting outside and walking a lap around the building, or you will start to see you face melt in the computer screen reflection.

You hit 7 a.m., and you feel like a bird. What I mean is that the six energy drinks you consumed have hit you so hard that your body feels like it is buzzing into flight. You gather you finished homework and computer to head upstairs and see people just getting up for the day. You feel accomplished and smart because it is like you have a leg up on them, you don’t have to “wake up!”

Your classes start at 10:30 a.m., and you decide, since you have all of this extra time, to get dressed in real clothes. I suggest showering for sure, it can trick you a little bit into believing that your day has just begun. You realize you have one energy drink left and you pound it on your way to Bish-Whip to get your religion on, only to find out that the paper you worked on all night has been moved back a week.

Procrastinating hurts everyone—tomorrow.

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