Brian Tackles the Grammy Awards Even Though Thrice Wasn’t Nominated

Here goes another year and another award ceremony that doesn’t reflect ANYONE’S taste in music. Actually, I’m certain there is only one person out there who guesses all the correct winners, and that person is the guy/girl who CHOSE the winners. Pssh, don’t tell me there’s an anonymous panel of experts that vote on this. There’s an evil, sadistic trillionaire who decided to run a somewhat prestigious award ceremony and now gets gratification from everyone’s terrified response towards every single Taylor Swift collaboration and Chris Brown nomination.

I missed Taylor Swift dropping her impression of the British guy she dumped from the Pepsi commercial with Drew Brees, Adele winning her 800th award, Fun. in the rain, and LL Cool J forcing Twitter down people’s throats. I was doing meaningful things like downloading the newest content for Borderlands 2 and shoveling the driveway. I’ll pick up where I started when Miranda Lambert and Dierks Bentley performed.

Miranda and Dierks (Is Dierks an actual name? Foreign maybe? Someone must have thought of this name as he was being thrown off a furious beast during a bull riding contest as he screamed DIIIIIERRRRK the moment he realized his face was going to hit a pile of said furious beast’s manure.)

I didn’t care too much about the performance. I just couldn’t take my eyes off of Miranda because she HAS to be pregnant. Go watch any music video from her first mainstream album, compare the before and after thighs, and recognize that we have future super country baby on our hands. Blake Shelton is fist pumping in the air somewhere. God, I’m turning the Concordian into a rumor blog. This is bad.

Wiz Khalifa

I don’t do drugs, but if I did I still wouldn’t dress like him. Holy Zebra poacher.

Grammy Song of the Year

Who I wanted to Win: Kelly Clarkson – “(Stronger) What Doesn’t Kill You”
Who I chose: Carly Rae Jepsen – “Call Me Maybe”
Who Won: Fun. – “We Are Young”

Explanation: I triple hate American Idol but I’ve always had a weak spot for Kelly Clarkson. If you ever catch me on karaoke night, you’ll understand. How in the world did “Call Me Maybe” not beat out “We Are Young”? “Call Me Maybe” is groundbreaking. There will never be a need for thought out discussion starters or pick up lines. There will forever be this song describing the process of starting a relationship. That is all. Yeah, “We Are Young” is catchy and everything but there’s no substance to it like “Call Me Maybe”. None. Whatsoever.

Performance: Justin Timberlake

Did anyone think they went color blind during this performance? Or that Instagram took over CBS? Aesthetics aside, I can’t wait for the new album, and I was excited for a new song performed live.

Urban Contemporary Album
Who I Wanted to Win: Frank Ocean – Channel Orange
Who I Guessed: Chris Brown – Carpe Diem
Who Won: Frank Ocean – Channel Orange

Explanation: Don’t hate me for guessing Chris Brown. I don’t support him. I chose him only because I know how forgiving some people are nowadays and how evil the Grammy’s can be. The truth is I didn’t want him to win and it was glorious watching him sit in front row, slow clapping in pain as Frank Ocean gracefully walked up the steps. And who the heck is Miguel?

Best Rock Song
Who I Wanted to Win: “We Take Care of Our Own” – Bruce Springsteen
Who I Guessed: “Lonely Boy” – The Black Keys
Who Won: “Lonely Boy” – The Black Keys

Explanation: I don’t think Springsteen has enough awards for how complete of a human being he is. No, I take it all back. He can’t be human. Springsteen is a superhuman. I had to be realistic though, because “Lonely Boy” blew up everything; TV commercials, movie previews, YouTube, your computer monitors and classy emo people.*

*the ones that listen to depressing Blues-Rock like Black Keys and not ultra-cry-yourself-to-sleep-while-in-fetal-position-music like Brand New or Bon Iver.

Best Pop Vocal Album
Who I Wanted to Win: Florence + the Machine –
Who I Guessed: Fun.
Who Won: Kelly Clarkson

I thought I had the Grammy’s figured out. I knew that the person I wanted to win never wins. I also knew that last time I guessed Kelly Clarkson, she lost to Fun. There’s about as much inconstancy in these awards as Christian Ponder’s passing game. (ZING)

Best Rap/Sung Collaboration
Who I wanted to Win: “No Church in the Wild” – Jay Z & Kanye West featuring Frank Ocean and The-Dream
Who I Guessed: “No Church in the Wild” – Jay Z and co.
Who Won: “No Church in the Wild” – Jay Z and co.

First of all, Rap/Sung Collaboration is the worst category I had to choose from tonight. Why is this award needed? Second of all, if you pit Jay Z and Kanye West against anything else in any type of rap genre award, it’s like putting Alabama against NDSU football. There’s no chance of winning for the opponents. Actually, the thought of winning is not even within reach. You have a better chance at consensually motor boating Katy Perry than Flo-Rida winning over Jay-Z and Kanye.

Best Country Album
Who I Wanted To Win: Lynyrd Skynyrd
Who I Guessed: Miranda Lambert
Who Won: Zach Brown Band

Garth Brooks is the best country musician of all time. If you argue with this statement, I WILL VS. YOU IN MARIO KART TO SETTLE THIS. I know absolutely nothing about current country music.

Best New Artist
Who I Wanted to Win: Lumineers
Who I Guessed: Frank Ocean
Who Won: Fun.

Remember when Fun. announced they had been doing this music shindig for 12 years prior to winning the “Best New Artist” award, during their “Best Pop Vocal Album” speech? This award makes as much sense as splitting the Hobbit into three separate movies. This has happened two years in a row where a band has been around for multiple years and the “experts” still choose them as a “new” artist; see Bon Iver for second example. These loose regulations will have Led Zeppelin returning for next year’s winners.

Record of the Year
Who I Wanted to Win: Taylor Swift
Who I Guessed: Frank Ocean
Who Won: Gotye and Kimbra

Frank Ocean not only disappointed my expectations that he would sweep the Grammy’s, but my Facebook and Twitter feeds also had let failed expectations be known. Andrew Bird: give this guy a whistle lesson. Then, Taylor Swift happened. Wasn’t she everyone’s sweetheart? Just because she was left in tears at the hands of Kanye, everyone had to jump on the T-Swift Pity Wagon. Now that time has healed those wounds, everyone finds her annoying! Why? YOU CAN GET THROUGH THIS TAYLOR. YOU’LL GET YOUR CHANCE TO WIN MORE THAN ONE AWARD AGAIN! FIGHT THROUGH THE CRITICS AND DESPAIR. YOU CAN FIND SOMEONE AND BE HAPPY WITH THEM FOREVER. PREFERABLY ME. Also, who is Gotye and Kimbra?

Album of the Year
Who I Wanted to Win: Thrice – Major/Minor
Who I Chose – Frank Ocean – Channel Orange
Who Won – Mumford and Sons – Babel

Another year, another no-show from Thrice. I’m starting to think my favorite band isn’t as good as I thought they were. I’m glad Mumford and Sons won because I respect the intensity of their live performances and their crossover from bluegrass to mainstream audiences.

Final Performance
If you can go back and look at your pre-recorded Grammy Awards, notice the lines of people stretching out the exits DURING the final performance. I didn’t think it was that awful because Travis Barker slays, and Tom Morello is one of my favorite guitarists technicality-wise, but everyone totally had the church service mentality. “Last hymn, let’s GTFO before traffic hits” / whole family James Bond rolls out the side door without pastor realizing.

Overall, my expectations were met. The fashion was as awful as ever, the performances had a fair share of lip-syncing,  the performances without lip-syncing had everyone wishing for it, Levon Helm had a deserved tribute, The Weight was played on National Television, and even a couple days after the event everyone has forgotten about LL Cool J. Things are back to normal.

Brian’s Official Rating: 3 and a half stars out of 5