Breaking: The Concordian has received confidential a confidential text exchange* between Tom Brady and Jimmy Garoppolo from October 30th.
*not really, but let’s just pretend
Tom Brady: Hey Jimbo, big news! You’re going to be starting very soon!
Jimmy Garoppolo: Woah, really? What happened, are you hurt? Did you get caught deflating footballs again?
TB: You’re a funny guy! Nope, I’m fine, but you got traded!
JG: …Wait, what.
TB: Yup! You’ll be starting in the near future for a fun, young team!
JG: Which one?
TB: The 49ers!
JG: You have GOT to be kidding me. They haven’t won a game yet.
TB: C’mon Jimmy, this is a great situation you can throw to guys like… George Kittle!
JG: Tom, did you just Google the 49ers’ depth chart?
TB: No way man, George and I go waaaaay back.
JG: Whatever… but why now? I was going to take over for you when you retire in a few years, and keep the team running!
TB: Me? Retire?? Nah, Thanks to this new Icelandic medicine man I met, I should be able to play until I’m 50! He has these new age supplements (which are in NO WAY ILLEGAL) that keep me in tip top shape. Haven’t you read my new book, The TB12 Method?
JG: Yeah Tom, you gave it to me for my birthday, remember?
TB: It’s a New York Times bestseller you know?
JG: Yup, you tell me like, everyday.
TB: Well now I won’t have to! Just look on the brightside, the 49ers are your team, and I’ve seen what you can do everyday in practice. Besides, there really isn’t enough room in this town for two quarterbacks who look like us.
JG: What does that even mean Tom?
TB: Just look at the cover of my book, my face paints the whole picture.
JG: Sure, guy.
TB: Well……… It’s been nice getting to know you! You had better get packing, bud! Oh and one last thing.
JG: What’s that?
TB: Remember those Uggs I gave you for Christmas? I’m gonna need those back, you won’t be needing those in San Francisco!
JG: ……Fine
TB: Sweet. Brady Out.
The Pick: 49ers over Cardinals (-1.5)
