The nine circles of Halloween

Halloween is drawing nigh, and like just about everyone else I am feigning apathy.

I’m jacked like you wouldn’t believe to see all of the ladies to be dressed like the elegant women they want to be and the men dressed as the hardcore gents they can’t handle thinking about. But really you guys I have some thoughts for you besides watching your drinks, and making sure you know the people you party with. I would like to introduce you to the nine circles of Halloween hell.

1. Limbo. Which is also known as the beginning of Halloween, the afternoon part of the day where you are confused as to whether or not you should get dressed, the part where your plans are so far up in the air they have lost cell service. You can’t get dressed too early or you’re that weird kid on campus who is a bit too eager, but too late and people aren’t sure if you’re participating. This part of the day as a freshman is daunting, but gets easier as you get older and the hoots you give about what other people think are leaving your mind. Your punishment is indecision.

2. Lust. Short story. You all know exactly what I’m talking about. Guys are waiting for the skirts to show up. The moment girls walk in the double doors of Knutson with their tube socks and referee shirts? You all know it. And you guys. We cannot wait for the abundance of shirtless guidos, gods, cows, Cobbers, rockstars, and memes that will show up in the centrum dancing out their fears. Your punishment is being forced to wear your Halloween costume to the rest of your interviews.

3. Gluttony. The part of the night when Erbs and Gerbs brings the mini sandwiches into Knutson and you grab EIGHT, when you go to your friends’ houses and drink all their pop, eat all their pizza and watch all their DVDs. It is ok; on behalf of the mooching friends out there, we thank you people who let us hang out. Your punishment? Being offered everything and the inability to refuse.

4. Greed. The people who still go trick or treating to get all of the freaking candy and never share. I hate you. I love candy. And I love people. Trick or treating is like a mixer on crack. Your punishment? Severe lactose intolerance, making chocolate a no-go.

5. Anger. This circle is reserved specifically for those individuals who pretended with all their hearts that Halloween meant nothing to them. The people that didn’t dress up and fell into an Internet worm hole, the people who are too cool for fun. Too cool to appreciate the amount of people dressed up as hipsters. Let me tell you, you are not too cool. You are a twenty-something. You can save your sadness and resentment for your forties, where it belongs. Your punishment is to never be invited to a Halloween party. Ever.

6. Heresy. A lack of faith. This to me is equivalent to the people who are so wrapped up in the most minor details of their costumes, the people who forget about the most important parts of Halloween—debauchery and stupidity. These are the people who have homemade TMNT outfits with papier-mâché shells and then cannot hang out with their friends for fear of cracking it. Your punishment? No budget for creativity.

7. Violence. These are the people who, like heresy, take something a little too seriously in character. If you are the headless horseman, you actually don’t need to harm underage women, and in fact you do not live in Sleepy Hollow. Stop it. The point of Halloween is to be clever, not intense. Quit being a derp. Your punishment is to wear the same Halloween costume for the rest of your life. EVERY YEAR.

8. Fraud. These are the people that steal the kisses, secrets and friends of someone else who happened to show up in the same outfit. This is how relationships get twerked with, and friends get twerked over. These peoples’ punishment is never being able to keep a secret or a significant other.

9. Treachery. These are the worst offenders, these are the people that act like they are too cool, but show up, steal candy and judge the people who dared show up wearing something expected for Halloween, or for people being hipsters. Their tweets and statuses are only made for people to like, retweet or agree with. These wannabe nibblets search for validation and hide in real life. They are the ultimate sticks in the mud because they act like they are ready for the big bad world of Halloween, but really they are truly Hallo-weenies and want to ruin everything. Their punishment is nothing. I ignore them like everyone else should.