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How to be a nasty woman

jennaopinionsWe all know Hillary Clinton is a nasty woman. Or maybe we didn’t know until Donald Trump exposed the truth to the nation in the third and final debate for the presidency. While most of us Cobbers probably won’t go on to be a Secretary of State or a reality show host running for president, we can still aspire to be just as nasty as Clinton. (Note: The Concordian has still not released an official endorsement, but if it did, it would obviously be for Niblet.

I mean, the bookstore already sells those shirts.) Here’s a nice little how-to guide for the women who would like to share the same nauseating experiences of facing overt sexism despite being one of the most powerful women in the history of the United States:

1.Find the appropriate pair of pants. These should preferably match your blazer so you can rock the pantsuit. More importantly, your slacks should have pockets. Nasty women wear pockets.

Regular women wear those pants with fake stitches so it looks like you can hold stuff, but you really can’t. Make sure you go for the real thing. The deeper, the better. You gotta keep your nasty hands warm in the frigid Minnesota air somehow.

2.Strut down that grand staircase in the atrium. Toss your hair. Release the confetti and fireworks from the depths of your pockets. Wave emphatically. Grin slyly at those below you. Most importantly, don’t let others — particularly men — care about what you think or how you dress. Keep rocking those pockets, girl. We all know you wear them better.

3.Speak up in class. First, take an inventory of how many men are in the class compared to women. At a liberal arts school like Concordia, chances are there are fewer males than females in most of your classes. Notice how often they speak, and for how long. Compare it to your female counterparts. Do something about this. Speak up. Be nasty. Voice your opinion, and do it confidently. None of this “I’m not sure, but” nonsense. You are sure. Go for it. Be nasty.

There are so many other ways to be a truly nasty woman, but those are for you to discover yourself. However, perhaps it would also be important to teach males something. Men, who are obviously significantly less nasty than women (see: Donald Trump’s rhetoric), must strive to achieve this sublime nastiness that women can embody so much more easily. For the men out there, here are some tips for you:

Take a women’s studies class. Better yet, add the minor. What?! You care about women? How disgusting. Imagine if everyone, regardless of their gender, was treated … equally. Truly unimaginable. It’s sickening.

You know what’s really nasty? Recognizing that women’s bodily functions are normal. That’s right, they’re not actually nasty. Accepting that this is how almost half the population’s body functions can be far nastier.

Don’t catcall or whistle at others. Wow, not openly objectifying an individual’s body can really make someone truly nasty. Think about what that would cause — people would be able to go about their daily lives without having to worry about someone desiring them. Imagine how society would fall apart. The world would explode. The sky would fall. We would all be doomed.

Whatever gender you identify with, stay nasty.

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