Dear you, Yes, you. You, the reader, who stumbled into my column expecting another scathing opinion piece from another Cobber, only to find out that it was satire most weeks. You, friends and strangers, who told me to start writing, and keep writing, because humor can influence people’s opinions in ways normal arguments cannot. You,…
SATIRE FROM THE SCARBROUGH REPORT Donald Trump may be president, but that doesn’t mean other members of the White House cabinet are not actually conspiracies invented by the Chinese. In a document sent to WikiLeaks yet to be confirmed by this newspaper, an anonymous source revealed the truth about Sean Spicer. Just when we thought…
SATIRE FROM THE SCARBROUGH REPORT In his speech addressing members of Congress last week, President Donald Trump laid out his plans for dealing with immigration. In addition to the infamous wall, which has been temporarily delayed, Trump plans to send all undocumented workers “back” to Mexico to fulfill their true purpose: digging holes. Trump said…
SATIRE FROM THE SCARBROUGH REPORT It’s not true what they say. Despite the rumors, President Donald Trump is actually pretty decent at sports, even with his tiny hands. But with his frequent trips to Maralago, Fla., Trump really doesn’t have time for playing basketball, or for creating logical security policies. That’s why, starting Tuesday, Trump…
Satire from the Scarbrough Report President Donald Trump’s frequent release of executive orders has led to a severe paper shortage in the White House. President Donald Trump has now signed eleven executive orders since his inauguration in January — a small number compared to former President Barack Obama’s 277 executive orders over eight years, but…
SATIRE FROM THE SCARBROUGH REPORT These days, everything in politics and the news is already a joke, so the writer of this column has decided to forfeit the story this week and instead report on this month’s horoscopes. Besides, satire writers will be out of jobs pretty soon, anyway. Let’s be real: everything is either…
United States Counselor to the President and Chief Strategist Stephen Bannon has released his vision for the next four years. His strategy is based directly on a number of popular articles released by the satirical newspaper, the Onion. Bannon says following this plan for the future is the best way to ensure absolute control of…
President Donald Trump’s recent attempts to blackout and defund major parts of the Environmental Protection Agency have not proven significant enough, said Press Secretary Sean Spicer. The White House will therefore take a more drastic approach to maintain control by eliminating the sun and blacking out the entire world. The sun, which has provided life…
As one of his first acts as Presient, Donald Trump has called for he immediate termination of all campus newspapers due to their outright liberal bias” and “fake” news. The Concordian regrets to inform its readers that this is the last edition the newspaper will publish. “Campus newspapers are a disgrace,” Trump announced via Twitter….
Concordia students can soon spend their weekends doing more than just shooting on the gun range. The campus will offer a new club starting this spring — the Concordia Cannon Club. Seniors Dane G. Russ and Kyle Gunnerson are working to instill this new organization on campus. Russ says he got the idea after the…