United States Counselor to the President and Chief Strategist Stephen Bannon has released his vision for the next four years. His strategy is based directly on a number of popular articles released by the satirical newspaper, the Onion. Bannon says following this plan for the future is the best way to ensure absolute control of the country.
“The citizens are like puppets, and I am the master,” Bannon said. “As I advise President Trump on how to run the country, I will ensure the most extreme conditions under my rule.”
Bannon has spent the past week and a half scrolling through archived articles on the Onion in order to find the most “relevant and timely” policies to enforce.
For his stance on welfare, Bannon plans to echo the premise of an article published Aug. 6, 2014: “New Law Requires Welfare Recipients to Submit Sweat to Prove How Hard They’re Looking For Job.”
“This is essentially what the GOP has already been planning, but once I give the word, we will officially require this procedure before assisting anyone in need of basic things like food or clean water or health care and whatnot,” Bannon said.
Bannon also plans to use his power to target a number of policies he disagrees with, such as the $8 billion “abortionplex” which, according to the Onion, was built by Planned Parenthood in May 18, 2011.
“No woman should be able to abort her fetus in luxury and full comfort,” Bannon said. “We cannot allow nonprofits to monopolize on the rights of human beings. Can you imagine what it would be like if an outside organization tried to regulate a woman’s body? Corporations have no understandings of things like a uterus, or at least not the way we men do. They have no organs — certainly no heart.”
For many citizens, Bannon’s approach to writing policy has been deemed as “too real” and “a nightmare, worse than my next door neighbor’s scary dog,” according to anonymous comments left on the aforementioned articles. In a survey distributed by the The Onion to measure public perception of Bannon’s ideas, only thirty percent of those surveyed said that they would rank this tactic equal to or more absurd than a reality show host with no political experience becoming the next president.
Because of Bannon’s new approach to writing policy, corporate media viewership has dramatically decreased as audiences switch to reading directly from the Onion’s website. While trust in the mainstream media is at an all-time low, the Onion is now seeing a rapidly growing audience. Those seeking reliable information are forgoing the typical news channels or newspapers and are instead logging directly onto the Onion’s official website for the most accurate policy updates.
Writers at the Onion have therefore become the most reliable source for national policy updates, despite being one of the most well-known satirical sources of entertainment. Instead of being generally viewed as a humorous source of political commentary, the Onion’s current audience views its stories as authentic and true.
Now that they have become the most credible source for news, writers at the Onion have realized their responsibility in shaping the future of the country. They are now producing more liberal-leaning pieces, at the risk of Trump’s censoring them in the future. So far their attempts to reshape policy have included stories like the Mexican border wall consisting of nothing but tacos and cheese and the deportation of all members of Congress.
Just how long the Onion will remain a credible source is unknown, but journalists everywhere are converting to writing satire as from hard news. After all, it’s the only thing left that hasn’t become fake.