Bobby’s sports predictions

Ah, the beginning of another beautiful year in Cobberville, U.S.A. Freshmen are frolicking about campus clutching beanies and books with eyes wide in something between fear and felicity. Upperclassmen have returned in anticipation, leaving the long summer months behind them and looking forward to… well, they probably haven’t decided that yet. But there’s still time, and they’re looking forward. Professors excitedly greet returning students, while religiously avoiding eye contact with the ones whom they flunked last semester. There is a hint of autumn in the crisping air as the days slowly cool—and immediately begin to snow after that. Classes have started, Taco Bell is now my fourth square meal of the day, and I’ve begun to convince myself my homework can be finished in that ten-minute gap between classes. All of this means a lot of things, including that the ten-dollar planner I bought is still going unused, but what it means most of all is this: sports, dear Cobbers, have begun.

Sports have been going on all summer, you say. They are being played all year long, you quip. But autumn is when they really start. Autumn is when all sport-loving people around the country unite as they begin the holy pilgrimage of athletics that will take us into the late spring and early summer. I’m talking about football and football (er, sorry, “soccer”). The National Football League practically marks the beginning of autumn in the U.S., and football/fútbol/soccer fans drool at the thought of leagues beginning around the world in mid- to late-August. All the while, our very own Major League Soccer is reaching its climactic finale. (Yes, America does have a soccer league; I was just as surprised as you when I found out.)

I’m talking about baseball, which—speaking of climactic finales—is down the home stretch of the season, and rocketing into October playoffs. I’m talking about the National Hockey League and the National Basketball Association both starting in late autumn. Oh yes, autumn is when the sports year begins.

But I’m not just talking about sports country-wide. No, I’m talking right on Concordia’s campus, too. Sports are in the air, and I can tell because half the people I see are wearing gym shorts and t-shirts with the sleeves torn off. This means the beginning to many things Cobber athletics-related: football, soccer, volleyball, cross country, rugby, tennis; and eventually basketball, hockey, wrestling, baseball and softball. Oh, and Quidditch League for those who didn’t quite get their kick of Harry Potter this summer. And with a bright shining new year of sports comes expectations, both for professional leagues and Cobber sports.

Now, I’ve always been right more often than I’ve been wrong. It’s a gift. A gift I’d like to share by letting you know what sport highlights to expect from this year. I have just a few predictions I’d like to make about campus and professional sports. So get ready. They will be bold. They will be mind-blowingly accurate. I hope your shoe laces are tied tightly, because this may knock your socks off.


On Campus

Concordia football will be competitive this year. No, not “competitive,” but competitive. Seriously. I don’t want to give away too much, but it just may be worth it to stay for all four quarters of the Homecoming game this year.

The entire Concordia men’s soccer team will fall ill and all international students will then be asked to step in. They’ll be good, really good.

At least one Cobber basketball game will end in a stunning half-court shot for the win. But that game will be an intramural, and no one on the team will have been watching when the shot is made.

The women’s hockey team will win a championship, and the men’s hockey team will strive to play more like girls.

The Concordia Quidditch League team will win the House Cup, finally dethroning Gryffindor.


National News

NFL commissioner Roger Goodell will propose a two-hand touch (instead of a tackle) policy in order to crack down on helmet-to-helmet hits and excessive roughness in football. Shoving and not two-hand touching will result in heavy fines.

Brett Favre, upon hearing Goodell’s proposal, will decide to come out of retirement again. He plays three full quarters for the Seattle Seahawks (who will realize they were tricked into taking Tarvaris Jackson) before reinjuring his ego.

David Beckham will sign a deal with English Premier League club Tottenham Hotspur, leaving MLS’ Los Angeles Galaxy at the end of their season. Everyone in America slowly begins to forget there is a soccer league here.

The Minnesota Timberwolves will make the NBA playoffs… in David Kahn’s dreams. But Ricky Rubio is bound to get them more air time on ESPN’s Sportcenter. That’s got to count for something, and you take what you can get.

The World Series champions will not be the New York Yankees. And that’s all that really matters.

Well, there you go. I said it, and you read it. Don’t be surprised when all of these things happen, and I’ll do my best not to say “I told you so.” Yes, I do believe this is going to be a very good year, folks. I can just tell.

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