Feeling frazzled? Forgotten what it’s like to smile? Ever ask yourself, as did the once-great pop artist Britney Spears, “Why do these tears come at night?”
If so, then I have a prognosis: you be suffering from Finals-Weekitis!
Chill, Freshmen, it’s not terminal, but it is serious—just take a look at Britney Spears and tell me that’s not bad. Tell me those tears at night didn’t get the best of her.
Finals-Weekitis is caused by an onslaught of abnormally high levels of papers, presentations and exams which result in dangerously elevated amounts of educational pressure. The mind, body and soul just can’t take that sort of thing.
The disease is characterized by lethargy, confusion, a sense of hopelessness, questions concerning the meaning of life, sleepless nights, accidental sleep-filled days, profuse crying and calls back home to Mommy. Basically, the victim becomes a heaping mess.
Few have a cure, but I’m privy to a home remedy that was passed through the generations of my family. It’s called “Little Glimmer of Hope.”
Five doses, or “memories,” as some may call them, are all that is needed. And I think I have just the right amount: the top five sports moments of the semester.
Here, take them, and get better soon:
1. The St. Louis Cardinals beat the Texas Rangers and George W. Bush in the World Series.
It was a back-and-forth duel that knocked the ten-gallon hats off everyone wearing ten-gallon hats in Texas. Has there been a more exciting game in modern baseball than Game 6 of the Series? Maybe. But I reckon not.
2. David Beckham and the Los Angeles Galaxy win the Major League Soccer Cup.
From opening kick to stoppage time, the Galaxy dominated the Houston Dynamo to win American soccer’s biggest prize. (Don’t laugh.) It was in no small part due to Becks, who singlehandedly ignited popular interest in American soccer when he arrived on-scene in 2007. Beckham, whose contract is nearly up, will likely head for greener pastures abroad, making this year’s Cup victory that much sweeter.
3. Concordia College athletics (almost) make it big time.
Both women’s soccer and volleyball teams made it to their NCAA tournaments this past semester. And although neither won the top prize, their success won’t go unrecognized or unremembered. Next time someone wants to know “where the girls at,” the reply can be “out winning, so where the boys at?”
4. The only way to go appears to be up, after a forgettable year for professional Minnesota athletics.
The Twins, the Vikings, the Timberwolves. What do they all have in common? They sucked (and they’re all Minnesota teams). I could go on, but I might cry. Here’s hoping it gets better soon.
5. Wait a second… Minnesota professional sports teams do experience (mild) success!
Who would’ve thunk it? When times were dark, Minnesotans turned to the Women’s National Basketball Association and the National American Soccer League (second-tier soccer) for a little pick-me-up. The Minnesota Lynx and NSC Minnesota Stars won their leagues! Can you believe that? Dreams do come true (even if they aren’t really awesome dreams like winning the Super Bowl)!
Now comes the important part: deep breaths, in and out. There you go. You’ll feel better in no time. And if not, I hear Facebook does wonders, too. It was nice to reminisce, anyway.
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