MOORHEAD – Concordia alumna Lauren Tschider published her debut book in September depicting her journey of healing after leaving an unhealthy relationship. In the summer of 2023, Tishcider decided to leave a two-year long relationship that was no longer safe for her to be in. After she left, she filed a restraining order and just one month later, he died by suicide. The book, “With Love From Lauren: My Story of Resilience Through Abuse and Suicide Loss” was not an easy one to write.
“I remember sitting at the Rape and Abuse Crisis Center, in that parking lot, thinking I’m not this type of girl. I know the women who come here. I’m not her,” she said.
According to the World Health Organization, “globally around one in three women have been subjected to physical and/or sexual intimate partner violence in their lifetime.” The Australian Bureau of Statistics reports, “an estimated one in four women have experienced partner emotional abuse since the age of 15.”
Tschider’s healing journey has not been linear. She has dealt with constant ups and downs and highlighted therapy as an important helper while coping with the fallout. She said that dealing with complicated grief can feel isolating and one of the things she has learned while healing was to give herself grace.
One of her focuses has been on finding little moments throughout the day to take care of herself. One of Tschider’s goals has been to prioritize her mental health since she exited the unhealthy relationship.
“I’ve learned to let myself cry when I need to and feel what I need to. I was scheduling times on my calendar to grieve because I knew I was going to have to cry,” she said.
Another huge part of Tschider’s healing journey was to learn how to lean on friends and family again. In the after math, she felt most comfortable confiding in others who had also experienced complicated grief. Tschider remembers her loved ones reminding her she was not weak and that her feelings, whatever they may be, were valid reactions to the situation.
“Through that time, it was important for me to remember it’s ok to be happy again,” she said.
Journaling was Tschider’s main form of coping with trauma before seeing a therapist. Privately unloading her story provided Tschider with a sense of camaraderie, even if it was with pages instead of people.
“At first, writing was very therapeutic for me. Getting my story just completely out of me,” she said. “But it sucked during the editing process and working with the publishing team and all that, to go back through it and relive it. It was like reintroducing that trauma every time I reopened my book, and it was very fresh.”
On top of the trauma, Tschider struggled to form her story into a book because writing in that style was new to her. At Concordia, she studied business finance and the only writing class she took was business writing which focused on memos and emails.
Tschider said one of her biggest technical struggles when writing “With Love From Lauren” was how to break her journal entries down into chapters.
“I had so much on my heart and on my mind. I didn’t think anyone else could really understand. That journal was my saving grace because anything in my heart and my mind, no matter how heavy it was, I could pour it out,” she said.
The motivation to write her story came to Tschider after reading a book her friend had written about almost losing her life. Tschider said that even though this friend’s story was drastically different from her own, Tschider felt less alone after reading it.
This empathy made her realize that sharing her own story could help people who had been through a similar experience of leaving an unhealthy relationship and suicide loss, but it could also touch people who had gone through a completely different trauma.
Tschider said that having her book out in the world was surreal and humbling. She frequently gets messages, sometimes from people she doesn’t even know, who have resonated with her story.
“Getting those messages makes it all worth it even if it’s weird knowing that any person could go into Ferguson books or Barnes and Noble in Bismark and pick up my story and read very personal stuff about me,” she said.
She also said that after the book was released it was like a large weight had been lifted off her shoulders.
Tschider said she is a very faith-based person, and part of the weight she still carries with her today is wondering why God chose her to carry this burden.
“He never gives us more than we can handle and ultimately I know He’s giving me the courage to do what I’m doing now,” she said. “At the end of the day, He got me through some of the darkest days of my life whether it was through prayer or shining through those around me.”
Tschider mentioned several ways people can better support survivors of abuse and those in unhealthy relationships. In her opinion, the most important thing others can do is have patience. She recognizes from the outside it is easy to say, “Just leave;” however, in reality, it is hard to combat the feelings of shame and isolation.
“If someone were in an unhealthy relationship, I would ask them if they think their partner makes them a better person or if they bring them down. I would ask them if they feel supported and safe in that relationship,” she said. “And I would tell them that through my own experience, I know I would rather be happily single and taking care of myself than be in a relationship that’s unhealthy.”
