Santa, the socialist

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*WARNING* this piece is satirical in nature.

Well, its Christmas season once again, time to go out and get all the gifts for our friends and family, watch classic movies and spend time with loved ones. As the days grow shorter and Christmas Day draws nearer, we must also remember that one person that everyone seems to love this time of year. I’m talking, of course, about that fat slob up in the far north: Santa Claus. This is a man who the world adores but whom we should really despise, a man who takes advantage of global generosity and naiveté to grow fat and lazy at the public’s expense. In short, Santa Claus is a Socialist.

The signs are there for anyone to see, if you look closely. Santa only works one day a year, while on the other 364 he sits around and does nothing. The one duty for Santa is to deliver the gifts to children around the world on Christmas Eve, but the stories never say what he does for the rest of the year. We’ve pieced enough information together from various sources, however, to have a good idea of what goes on. For those other 12 months of the year, Santa eats, sleeps and sits around at the public expense. Food and board are paid for on the public dollar, he gets unlimited vacation time when he doesn’t have to drive the sleigh, and he doesn’t have to pay taxes. This man is dependent on government, with no external means of supporting himself.

There are other worrying signs besides his perpetual laziness. I turn now to his treatment of his workers, the “elves”. These are workers with no time off, no sick leave, no health insurance and no prospect of their lives ever improving. They toil 365 days a year in virtual slave-like conditions, mindlessly churning out products while their boss gets fat off of their labors. This boss does not lift a finger to help his employees, and revels at his own selfish gain at the expense of the many. Is not Socialism a system where the many are poor and downtrodden, the privileged few exploiting their labor for selfish gain, and there is no middle class to restrain them? I see no middle-class amongst the “elves”. They are the slaves of Santa the Socialist, forever chained to his shady enterprise at the North Pole. No wonder Dobby ran away.

The most serious, and worrying, sign of Santa’s Socialist nature is his global Big Brother empire. Santa “Sees you when you’re sleeping, and he knows when you’re awake.” Santa does not trust the people of the world to be good, so he spies on them day and night to ensure their compliance in his selfish socialist empire of supposed “cheer” and “joy”. The NSA pales in comparison to Santa’s intelligence service. Soon, he will be delivering the presents by drone, and woe to the naughty children who step out of line…

This madman must be stopped. People of the world, we must rise up against this Socialist Santa, a man who cheats the system for his own gain, exploits slave labor, and spies on the children day and night to ensure total compliance. I won’t do it for you, but rearrange the letters in “Santa” and tell me what you come up with. We must replace him with a Capitalist Santa, who will pay his taxes, work 9-5 during the workweek, respect people’s privacy, and give his workers holidays, health care, and fair wages.

We must not allow such tyranny to go unpunished. We need change up at the North Pole, change that we can believe in.