“Federer Has Won a Lot but He’s Winless Against Me”
People describe the Australian Open as the tournament with a lot of drama, hot weather and
other extraordinary reasons that make it sound unique compared to any other professional
tennis tournaments. This tournament is not unique in any way besides it is the only major in
Australia and they have koala bears down there. It irks me when I hear a tournament has more
drama than others because it is not true at all. Professional tennis IS drama.
You can’t watch a tennis match without a player overreacting over something. Watch a Federer
match and notice how cranky he gets if a ball boy doesn’t grab a ball a split second earlier than
expected. Those kids are there to make your job easier. Next, watch Serena Williams blow a
match against a very beatable opponent and then blame it on an injury that popped out of no
where. Need more drama? Watch Azarenka use a 10 minute break for an alleged “panic attack”
as her opponent was serving even though she’s been ranked number 1 for the past year with
no previous experiences with panic attacks. Then there are distractions. Some of these tennis
players are so sure that they can’t play without noise that every time they make a mistake,
they blame something on a phantom distraction. Let’s get a 5th grand slam that allows fans to
treat this like an NFL atmosphere. I want to see how players handle their mental game WITH
distractions. I want all of it: flashing cameras, rabid drunk tennis hooligans, streakers, heckling
during change-overs, other players can shout at their opponent right before the serve, etc.
Then tennis needs some old fashioned, politically incorrect folks like John Gruden analyzing the
game. People would actually want to start watching tennis again.
Aside from how common the Australian Open is like most Grand Slams, fans around the
world were giving tasty visual treats and reasons to be excited about the future of tennis. The
women’s field is wide open. I see it fit alongside professional golf because no one can predict
who will win a major tournament. The women’s field doesn’t display the dominant four players
that the men’s side has. The men’s side is comparable to my favorite dish at hu hot. There are
4 main components that create the zesty kick that provides a satisfying taste that no other
restaurant can reproduce. My dish of perfection has beef, the kung pow yao sauce, the bbq
sauce, and the jalapenos. These ingredients fuse together to electrify my taste buds and expose
my eating partners to my sweating habits. The negative side to this dish is my expectancy of
the meal. I’ll constantly do this meal over and over again besides having the smorgasbord to
choose from of vegetables, poultry, fish, and condiments that I want NOTHING to do with
because healthier decisions are the worst. In actuality, the worst part of it all is the aftermath
that leaves me feeling sorry for any toilet that will cross paths in the future 12 hour period.
Djokovic, Nadal, Murray, and Federer are these ingredients that lead to explosive play,
“explosive” is the correct imagery for the last sentence, but all the other players in the field
have absolutely no chance compared to the level these guys are playing at. Anyone outside
the top 4 are the foods I always look at with curiosity but realize that there is no way this
dish would be as good without my main four components. If we’re expected to see these guys
dominate for the next five years, will it lead us to wondering what we’re missing from other
players, ultimately leading to a bland sport that’s predictable or will we salivate at how amazing
the play is from the elite players which leads us to want to keep watching it over and over
again? I’ll consistently choose the latter. What convinces me most about the quality of this
sport is individuality and self-reliance each player has to commit. There are no teammates to
hang a shoulder on or to help you pick yourself up. The wear and tear of this sport also leads to
longevity issues that no other non-contact sport can compete with. Holy, do I become a LIVID
RAGING INSANE CRAZY PSYCHO person when people say something idiotic like, “pssh, tennis?!
What a flowery sport. All they do there is just stand around and hit a ball back and forth”.
Ignorant people like this deserve no complimentary things in life. NO FREE PARKING FOR YOU
EVER AND NOW HERE IS A TAX FOR ALL THE WATER YOU DRINK.
Favorite Moments of 2013 Aussie Open
If you haven’t heard yet, Djokovic was the winner of this year’s Australian Open, making
it three years in a row he’s won this tournament and arguably putting him along the most
celebrated tennis players of all time. He beat Britain’s Andy Murray, who’s FINALLY broken out
of shell by winning gold in the Olympics, winning his first grand slam at Wimbledon last year,
and gave the performance of the year against Federer in the quarterfinals. It was an exhausting
match that led to his demise against the fresh Djokovic. Eighteen-year-old American Sloane Stephens
upset the predicted favorite Serena Williams in the quarter finals. Now it’s your responsibility
as a reader to go watch the highlights of Serena Williams OBLITERATE her racket during the
match. The Bryan brothers won their 13th doubles championship in a grand slam final which
means they now have the record for most double titles in tennis Grand Slam history! This
definitely wins the “coolest unheard story of the tournament” award. I’ll end this list with one
of my favorite beat downs of the tournament that happened early on the tourney. The 3rd
round provided the woman’s bracket with an untimely destruction of Venus Williams by Maria
Sharapova. Sharapova was foaming at the mouth. I’ve never been more afraid in my life. There
was absolutely no mercy to be seen anywhere.
Things the Aussie Open Missed
The tournament lost quite an edge without an appearance from Nadal and American player,
and avid Viking’s fan, Marty Fish. America’s single play on the men’s side is straight up awful.
Thank God for the Bryan twins and the women’s bracket. My girlfriend, Ana Ivanavic, lost in the
4th round to someone who isn’t even cute. I had all bets placed on Maria Sharapova because
she looked to be an unstoppable force early on in the tournament until her no-show against
Li Nai, who placed 2nd in the tournament overall. Azarenka and Li Nai is almost a more boring
matchup than the 49ers playing the Ravens in the super bowl. This year also marked the first
Grand Slam without Andy Roddick. Excuse me as I pull up Roddick’s 2003 grand slam victory at
the US Open and cry like a baby at what was supposed to be America’s hopeful future and his
only final win. ESPN’s coverage of doubles tennis is absolutely horrendous and needs to change
immediately.
The Australian Open has proven that the level of competition is increasing. Federer is getting
old but he looks like he’s stroking the ball better than ever. This means Djokovic and Murray are
elevating their game and future athletes are going to have to do the same. These guys are going
BEAST MODE. The Aussie Open is just the first step in a string of greater Grand Slams so we’re
in for a hectic year of tennis.
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