Satire from the Scarbrough Report
President Donald Trump’s frequent release of executive orders has led to a severe paper shortage in the White House.
President Donald Trump has now signed eleven executive orders since his inauguration in January — a small number compared to former President Barack Obama’s 277 executive orders over eight years, but enough to raise concern in the White House that paper companies may not be able to keep up. While Trump’s staff expected him to churn out these statements rather quickly, they had not created any backup plan in case of paper emergency.
Trump formed an advisory committee on Friday consisting of twelve men who are in charge of a number of tasks, from scoping out the nearest Staples store for discounted paper to making sure each sheet has been sourced right here in America and not from some unreliable tree overseas.
Michael Scott, executive assistant to the White House Paper Committee, says it has been difficult to decide what to do about the crisis. Originally, the Oval Office desk was stocked with ten sheets of letterhead paper for the President to draft his executive orders on. His last order, however, was the eleventh document he has written.
“We had to think fast,” Scott said. “We had to have Trump write on the back of a scrap of paper while we went out to find more. Unfortunately, the only thing we could find on such short notice was the back of a confidential North Atlantic Treaty Organization document, but the President seemed to have no problem ignoring the contents of that deal in order to further his own agenda.”
Scott says that at the rate he is going, Trump can be expected to fill at least a one-subject wide-ruled notebook with executive orders within the first hundred days of his presidency.
“It would be safe to just upgrade to the three-subject notebooks, but we aren’t sure we can afford that,” Scott said.
Trump’s rapid consumption of paper for executive orders could create a national deficit if the trend continues, says Oscar Nunez, accountant and member of the paper advisory committee.
“The team has budgeted for a lot of paper, but this is just too much,” Nunez said. “At this rate, Trump will have destroyed all the forests in the country by the start of summer.”
Trump says he doesn’t understand what the big deal is about his rapid paper usage.
“You don’t hear anyone complaining, do you?” Trump said. “We got plenty of ideas for executive orders. I’m cutting back on all the executive orders. I’m trying to take it slow. There is no issue. There is plenty of paper and plenty of orders for everyone. You don’t even know how fast I can write these! I am the fastest. If I wrote down all the ideas I had, then you’d have a real paper problem. I can go even faster.”
Despite concern from the paper advisory committee, Trump’s expedited paper usage has not become too big of a concern for the rest of the world.
The Environmental Protection Agency was unable to comment on the absurdly large amount of deforestation occurring to provide for the paper in Trump’s desk.
