Look at you. You’re bored. You’re bored! All you want to do is scream! And shout! And do all the other things will.i.am and Britney sing about in that song, but after that, you don’t know what else to do. I’ve been there. I’m here to help. Is help the right word? Probably not. Okay I’m not here to help, but I am here.
The first question to ask is, what won’t you do?
Well you won’t pee yourself in the library and walk up to the librarian claiming that the book was defective. You won’t drive by your old high school while smoking a cigarette and saying things like “man, this place never changes, huh?” You’ve done that enough this year, and people are starting to ask questions. And you won’t start a YouTube prank channel. Any bonehead can go down to the store, buy a can of shaving cream, put it on your uncle’s hand who’s sleeping on your couch because he’s going through a divorce, and film the result of him crying for his wife Margie with his face full of shaving cream, and go viral. Anyone can do that. No. What you’re about to do takes guts.
So what are you going to do?
You’re going to throw a pizza party.
I know—a pizza party. How original. But you’re not throwing any old get-together with a couple pieces of dough that have cheese on them. To beat boredom, you’re throwing a special type of pizza party. A pizza party that no one has ever dared to throw. You’re going to throw a pizza party exclusively attended by people who are always invited to pizza parties but never get to enjoy them. You’re throwing a pizza party attended only by pizza delivery drivers. Game changer.
‘But,’ you say, ‘pizza delivery drivers are historically territorial and evasive, much like mother snow leopards’ you continue, ‘how are you going to pull off getting them all in the same place together?’ Simple.
First, we have to go over some things you’ll need. You’ll need something like seventy dollars. I get it, you’re a broke college student, but what kind of a show do you think you’re running here? This isn’t some This is a pizza party. You’ll also need a Domino’s delivery driver shirt. This is… important.
At 8:30 PM, place an order from Pizza Place #1 for two large pizzas, indicating you’ll pay with cash. At or around 9:00 PM, Driver #1 arrives. He’s young, probably in high school, probably easily manipulated. Perfect.
He pulls up, gets out and walks clumsily around to the other side of his car to get the pizzas. He’s new to this game. He walks up to you. This is the most crucial moment of this whole gambit you’re playing. This part needs to be handled with the utmost care and tact. Instead of paying him, you have to make him an offer. More specifically, an offer to stay and hang out with you for a little while. Now this presents a problem, as most delivery drivers have been coached to never accept this proposition. Tell #1 you’re having a party a little later, and you just want to avoid the inevitable situation at the beginning of every party where there are only two people and they have to have a weird, intense one-on-one conversation. Tell #1 they’re free to go at any point, but if they stay outside and just wait until at least the fourth person comes, they’ll get two dollars for every minute they stay. Reluctantly, he agrees. So the two of you wait.
At 8:35 PM, you placed an order for a personal size pizza from Pizza Place #2. At 9:06 PM, #2 arrives. He gets out of his Subaru with the pizza already in his hand. He’s a professional. This one is going to be a little easier to explain. He walks up to you and #1 a little confused, but you jump in and explain the situation. You say you’re having a party a little later, and they all wanted #1’s ‘za, but you prefer a slice from #2. He joins you, and as you all begin to wait, lean over to #1 and whisper “Don’t worry. You were here first. I’ll remember that.”
#3 pulls in at 9:08 PM. She’s wary. Smart. She’s been at this game longer than #2, and she’s seen more slices than the developer of Fruit Ninja. It’s gonna be weird explaining this situation to her, but luckily you don’t have time as you take the pizza box from her hands.
#4’s headlights light up the end of the road. The last one’s here. At 9:09PM, you placed an order for two family size servings of garlic bread twists.
Go ahead and feel the energy around you. The three drivers that arrived earlier are completely disoriented. So disoriented, in fact, at this point they’re in survival mode. They’re like newborn children, clamoring over each other for the slightest bit of order in this chaos. Did this hypothetical prank get weirdly dark? Sure. But you weren’t in this because it was easy and light. You weren’t even in this for the pizza. You’re in this because you’re a crazy bastard who has flimsy morals and the cold black eyes of a great white shark that smells blood in the water.
Look over to the huddling mass of delivery drivers. It starts to rain. Reach behind the stone wall you were sitting on and pull out the Domino’s shirt. Put it on. You’re not looking at the others anymore, but you hear their gasps through the rain. They have no idea what’s going to happen next. The last car pulls into the driveway slow, the driver put off by the three other idling pizza cars. Start walking towards the car. No need to tell the others to follow, they will. The last driver is waiting for you and your company, he’s sitting on the driver’s door. Don’t say anything. As you walk up, take out your wad of cash and pay #1 the tip he’s earned for staying. Doing this puts everyone over the edge of anxiety. Look #4 in his eyes. His eyes are terrified, searching desperately for some answers. Walk right up to him and wait as the others surround him. Then whisper, “Fellas, let’s get this bread.”
Congratulations! You just beat boredom by having a pizza party! You also probably committed a crime so don’t actually do this.
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