Horoscopes: February 2017

These days, everything in politics and the news is already a joke, so the writer of this column has decided to forfeit the story this week and instead report on this month’s horoscopes. Besides, satire writers will be out of jobs pretty soon, anyway. Let’s be real: everything is either fake news or just too real to be funny.

In order to prepare yourselves for the rest of February — the shortest month, but also the one that never seems to end — take a moment to read about what exciting things the stars say are in your future.

Aries: As Saturn passes by Earth’s orbit, your prospects of completing your laundry in the dorm basement grow slimmer and slimmer. Others may try to monopolize your space, so now is a good time to practice your assertiveness. Be bold. Remove your neighbor’s laundry. It’s been sitting in that washing machine for too long, anyway. If all else fails, remember you are an Aries. AIR-ies. Hang your laundry up somewhere and move on with your life. Seriously.

Taurus: Beware of Pisces. They will double-cross you on your way to the last high table in DS. You must accept lower positions of power for a while, but do not worry. You have a number of meals to rise again. In the meantime, a change in vantage points will be good for you. Now you can look up to others. Make sure you look up to them as they smuggle food into their backpacks. This act is forbidden, so calling them out could win you back your seat of power.

Gemini: You’re the classic twin sign. Since you probably don’t have one, chances are you will form some close relationship this month with someone not in your family. Take advantage of this, even if the relationship turns out to be just that second dessert in DS. Better than homework cake, here we come.

Cancer: Love is just around the corner. We don’t really know which corner, but campus is small enough that you could find it sometime before the end of the month.

Leo: Remember that one time Leonardo DiCaprio won an Oscar? Ha, good luck ever being that successful.

Virgo: Head to jail. Do not pass Vir-GO. Do not collect $200. Lose a turn until further notice.

Libra: Give me Libra, or give me death! Patrick Henry would be proud of the number of prolific statements you will make. Too bad he is dead, just like your hopes of making it to spring break.

Scorpio: Be careful of that sting. With Valentine’s Day falling on a Tuesday, we know you’ll want to take your date out for tacos. But Mars has other intentions. Some dude will mess up your order and you’ll end up with a burrito instead. RIP.

Sagittarius: Who even are you, anyway? Have you considered changing your name? Your face?

Capricorn: You are the most valuable asset to Concordia College, because you are made of corn. Congratulations. Unfortunately, you do not grow in subzero temperatures. Chances are, if you haven’t died already, it will be a rough month for you.

Aquarius: Our astrologers were unable to predict how the rest of this month will go, but you can consult that song from the 1967 musical “Hair” for information about how it should go. It’s probably just as accurate.

Pisces: Something’s fishy, and it’s not your symbol. Are you the one who has been making all those sketchy phone call scams to various students and professors? You know Bruce will catch you soon. You can’t worm your way out of this one.