Trump calls for ban on campus newspapers

As one of his first acts as Presient, Donald Trump has called for he immediate termination of all campus newspapers due to their outright liberal bias” and “fake” news. The Concordian regrets to inform its readers that this is the last edition the newspaper will publish.

“Campus newspapers are a disgrace,” Trump announced via Twitter. “Just as bad as the New York Times and all those other media liars. Poor taste, poor writing!”

Since signing the executive order against campus newspapers last Friday, President Trump has penned another five tweets. His most recent comment: “The alternative facts all point to one thing: deception! The media is out to get everyone.”

Trump said he will continue to “destroy the liars and the fakers,” as well as other things he disagrees with, such as taco trucks, young and inexperienced satire writers, and all females.

While eliminating a portion of the press may appear to be in violation of the First Amendment, Trump also plans to dissolve the Supreme Court, an institution he views as a barrier to his regime.

“It’s called the Supreme Court, but it’s all overrated,” Trump tweeted. “They’re out to damage my dictatorship.”

The staff here at The Concordian would like to take this opportunity to encourage everyone to continue fighting against the censorship of journalism, among other things, while we still can. Our hard-working writers and editors have spent the past week testing out the most innovative ways to continue communicating with one another without an official school newspaper.

We have found carrier pigeons to be the most effective in relaying messages, although one may need to pay extra fees for shipping and handling of live animals and delivery may take up to ten business days. A slightly less efficient alternative could be stuffing a message in a bottle and floating it up the Red River. Unfortunately, this method only works during the spring and summer months, when the ice has sufficiently thawed.

By this time, it will be too late. We will all have become frozen from the terrors of what a lack of a campus newspaper can do. How can we understand the updated campus alcohol policy? Who will update us on the latest status of Bruce Vieweg’s formerly impending retirement? These are the hard-hitting stories Trump fears could destroy everything he has worked for. Imagine, what if journalists gave Americans ideas? People might start disagreeing with him. People might start fighting for what they believe in. People might bring candles into their dorm rooms. The horror.

It has been a good run, Concordia, but our newspaper’s liberal bias has just proven too strong for the President. The scum we write has too much of a liberal brainwashing agenda, and the newspaper has stirred up far too much trouble and chaos for the world where celebrity television hosts double as Commanders-in-Chief. For this, we must pay. By the time you read this, our words will have already stopped flowing from our tree-hugging, hippie brains to our lazy fingers, from the unionized printing press to the hands of the socialist-communist population that dreams of revolting against the very same oppressive regime that fuels the content of the papers’ stories.

Since being founded in 1920, The Concordian has striven to maintain journalistic integrity on the campus and in the community beyond. The past 97 years have been great, especially for us liberal elites who make thousands by hypnotizing our audiences to love things like the polar bears or, Putin forbid, each other. While Trump strives to “make America great again,” we know that our journalism has never ceased to be great, the greatest, so great, unbelievably great. And so, it is with heavy hearts that we conclude our final issue of The Concordian. May it rest in peace. Sad!